waiting and patience

7 months of restraint before even suggesting that there is a shark in the water and keeping the beaches open.

That's not enough for some people. You don't even have to name the shark. You don't have to threaten to close beaches. The shark swims right up and asks if you have a problem with him.

Amity Island politics make a lot of sense. More true to life than it gets credit.

"You're the mayor of shark city. People think you want the beaches open."
- Chief Brody, 1975

"Smile you son of a *bang* " is another good line, strangely also applicable to politics.

But I've decided my written self is the real me. It's less nice and more sarcastic.
There is an instinctive low key mode I got from security work, very suppressed, face to face. But facts and afterthoughts and revisions are as true as the mess that we speak or the politeness that and physical limitations and environmental constraints that stifle us face to face or over a phone. Verbal and visual cues only tell you maybe how strong a person is at a given moment, as superficial as choosing who to dance with in a dark, noisy club.

I have had some pretty nice people play dumb to my face. Then there are those who don't get back to you at all. If I'm strung along enough and an opportunity finally opens up, I think I have to be honest that my bitterness exists and the window of opportunity is closed. Years of waiting pass, patience may be a polite word for resignation. It's like how many years you can think about a woman out of reach as "the one" before she finally comes around and she resembles neither the mental picture nor a photographic one you've carried around. That's just life. But for most of the things we look forward to and identify as a goal have a shelf life. There is a time when we are most ready and fertile to act, when energy and whimsy and
willingness to take risks are a natural part of the voice.

You know something, if a slogan on the cover of a book says "uncompromising security" and you are supposed to turn a blind eye to an abusive authority figure who skulks around committing a felony unpunished there is going to be bitterness.

If I - in my vocation of film making - insist on writing a script and then hear a lot of blather about the merits of improvisation or stealing jokes, it tends to render the exercise useless. If I psychologically carry the baby of a movie script for several years and then someone with arbitrary and unknowing judgment says that I can't direct my own script, I'll be honest with you I'll risk flushing the whole project down the toilet.

If a producer asks me for a sample or a submission of something - you know what? I want to know that they received it and maybe even what they thought or when a judgment will be made. And if they can't do that I think: how will they approach the day-to-day grind of producing and providing for the film?

Waiting may be my whole life. You wonder why a movie or any action taken on anything takes months or years? It has nothing to do with the actual doing of anything. If I had the money and the right set-ups for distribution and the proper paperwork so a project is "in the loop" and expected to be made, I'd start right into it immediately. While I still have a bit of youth left in me and I can still walk, I don't hear the words "Hakuna matatta" or "don't worry be happy" the same way as others. I am not celebrating. I'll celebrate when I'm on some sort of track.

I just want to give people a shake. I LOVE rejection letters, because they are closure and they can be filed in case someone claims that I owe them some sort of acknowledgment. I'd love to have someone quit early so it's their decision and I'm not acting on whims. Frankly if I don't hear back from a girl or a job or a collaborator, I write them off and move on. Their judgment or priorities aren't a good sign. If I know someone is hanging by a thread for my response, I give it as soon as possible. But even in Toronto which is supposed to be an ambitious town with people on the go I hear a hell of a lot about lazy, boring, crap. Maybe I'd look at that stuff differently if I was DONE something important or the huge backlog of little somethings.

This after three beers tonight and some cashews.