Directed by the Production Designer of Jaws and Jaws 2 Joe Alves, Jaws 3-D is the movie we got instead of National Lampoon's Jaws 3 (People 0) written by John Hughes. I may still have a hard copy of that horrible script. The premise was that the producers of a Jaws movie choose a young director they want to fail so they can take over. Something like that happened to James Cameron on Piranha 2. The Jaws parody was to be directed by Jow Dante who had made the original Piranha for Roge Corman. The one thing that made me laugh in the script for Jaws 3 (People 0) is that we meet an actor who is to wear the monster costume, in this case a shark with holes for the operator's legs at the bottom, whose claim to fame was that he had played Godzilla.
This parody version might have been scrapped because it was 1983 and with a three in the year it was the time to come up with sequels that had a three. That year the third film of the Star Wars trilogy came out. But there were among others Amityville 3-D, Friday the 13th Part III in 3-D, and Jaws 3D. In the trailers narrated by Percey Rodriguez we were told, "This time the terror doesn't stop at the edge of the screen." There is even a moment with Dennis Quade firing a harpoon gun at the camera much like Jason Voorhees does in his third Friday the 13th.
Richard Matheson (I Am Legend, Twilight Zone) is listed as one of the story writers. If anyone has a copy of his version of the outline I can read let me know or send the link. I don't know what happened. Butit is not quite boring. It is not even the worst Jaws movie. That would be the next one, Jaws: The Revenge. (I don't know if Ellen Brody is getting revenge for the off screen heart attack of Chief Brody, or the shark is getting revenge for the previous sharks, but then again I don't know who gets revenge for what in Revenge of the Sith.)
Jaws 3D asks what if a shark swam from the ocean into an enclosure gate of Sea World ? Bess Armstrong's character, Dr. Something or Other. shows concern for a small shark and humanely guides it through a pool and even put a hose into its mouth to ensure water keeps going over its gills to keep it from suffocating; the point is made repeatedly for those who don't know sharks have to keep moving forward. Later in the movie this knowledge makes it impossible to suspend disbelief. It seems to be contradicted by a larger shark, who we can't call Bruce because it is female this time and unable to tell us how it identifies, we will just have to call Jaws. The team at Sea World have to trap Jaws in a tube of some sort and close off the end but it wags the tail enough to force water pressure to break the gate and then the shark backs out. It has a few moments where it just seems to stay in the same position. We can hear it roar under water as clearly as the dolphins chirp to distract it from their human friends. Back to the Future's Lea Thompson is cute as a water-ski acrobat who has a close scrape with Jaws but her character function is to date the brother of the main character. Chief Martin Brody is only mentioned as the father of the two young men with on-again, off-again trauma from the proximity of past sharks.
There is one good horror moment of a guy being eaten, seen from inside the mouth and then what must be the undulation of the shark's exterior as its muscles contract and give the impression of crushing or chewing the victim or washing down the meat with some water.
It is effective enough that we can almost not notice this is one of the times it isn't moving forward.
There are a couple of jump scares that got me and a few that failed. I am gobsmacked that (trying to avoid a spoiler) a certain thing breaks a window and everything about the shot is as fake as possible even by 1983 standards. I mean why not throw a green ball at the glass to get the element of the crack right. And again the completely still shark on greenscreen or completely trapped inside the control room with its tail sticking out for a long time. Except for the nice dolphins the movie belongs to the so bad it'd good category in places and in others it has functional patter and goofiness.
Barbie
Writing this review on the occasion of Barbie (2023) crossing the One Billion Dollar mark for Worldwide box office. If one image represents the movie it might just be Margot Robie dancing at the club. The movie is a mixed bag, in the sense that it might embolden those who would call a review "mansplaining." Dame Helen Mirren is the unseen narrator of this movie and gives it a gravitas that makes it seem intermittently academic. It has a wry wit but might have been less aloof and more involving if the narrator had been a little girl with her fast talking enthusiasm. As the movie breezes past the various modes of transportation to Barbie land and Reality the verisimilitude that has been sacrificed would not be an issue if we get the impression that the kid is telling the story with her dolls and making it up as she goes along.
