Movies They Should Make: Jaws 5 (People 0)

In the early 80's, John Hughes was assigned a script that was never produced, National Lampoon's Jaws 3 (People 0) about producers who hire a novice director for a doomed film hoping for him to fail. The aesthetic of Jaws works against the idea of comedy, since there is nothing relaxing about the dangers under the water surface. But if they stay in the realm of fakery, trying to avoid the pitfalls of the original Jaws, and shoot in a tank it might have potential. One gag I remember from the script is the introduction of an actor who is to wear the shark suit with his legs sticking out the bottom (presumably chroma green) as having "experience playing Godzilla." The movie-within a movie could involve more than that version did, which got caught up in jokes that were off topic and not up to the standard that Hughes eventually evolved into. It was more like his work on National Lampoon's Class Reunion, which is not necessary to look for. Suppose there is an audition for a "Young Robert Shaw" for a pre-credit sequence depicting Quint saying goodbye to his first wife and her patting her tummy as he leaves, implying that even if that marriage failed or he died in war there was a child. Events from the Indianapolis could be shown, with Quint the last up the ladder to the PBY after witnessing a fake Great White shark who looks like Bruce kill someone in front of him and appear to flip him the fin and cause him to go from a patriotic believer and optimist to a grizzled bastard who decides to abandon his first family as he suffers post traumatic stress disorder. His granddaughter could show up at a book signing of Matt Hooper and fail to introduce herself because he is a no show due to Richard Dreyfuss refusing to return. The girl might be the opposite of her grandfather. She might be a Greenpeace activist fighting to protect the last Great White shark from extinction. But things go horribly wrong when her fellow activists end up getting eaten one by one and she has to consider whether to enlist the help of her adversaries the shark hunters for protection. She ends up feeding them to the shark. A real shark should invade the tank through a miscommunication with production e-mails and the guy in a shark suit might have to fight it off. Ultimately the novice sacrificial director should end up having to sacrifice executives to the shark. Due to objections from John Williams, the original shark theme should have to be traded out for the A&W Root Beer "Root Bear" theme.